If I’m being honest, I have a certain level of anxiety in writing this essay. Putting to paper all of my shortcomings when it comes to combating systemic racism opens me up to criticism. Admitting my outrage without action is just hot air. Just believing Black Lives Matter as some abstract thought isn’t enough. I keep seeing the same message: If you’ve ever wondered what you’d do during slavery, the Holocaust, or the civil-rights movement, you’re doing it now. In my mind, I’m getting arrested at a “sit-in.” In reality, I’m at home with my four children doing my best to home-school and get through a pandemic. Am I not as brave and progressive as I thought?

My kids—Milo, 13, Willa, 11, and Zeke and Gideon, 9—spent their first years of life in Baltimore City. They attended a public charter school that pulled students from every zip code, and our classrooms were filled with students of many different races and economic backgrounds. A few years ago, when we moved just over the line into the county, our kids enrolled at a school that we love, but where we, as Jews, represent one of the few examples of diversity.

We—my husband, Ron, and I—try to teach our kids daily about what’s right and wrong. We talk about the news, never hiding the hard stories. We vote—in person when we can and always dragging our kids along, so they grow up knowing that this is what we do in a democracy. We repeat, over and over, that everyone is loved and welcome and equal in our eyes.

We march, as we did in that first big Women’s March in Washington, D.C., after the last election (and the subsequent smaller ones in Baltimore). We’ve also marched against gun violence and for abortion rights and now we stand in the streets for Black lives. I go for many reasons, but mostly to breathe in—if only metaphorically now through my mask—the air of like-minded people. And make sure that my own voice is heard.

But are we just surface activists? After the BLM march in Roland Park, I posted a picture of my daughter holding her “RACISM IS A PANDEMIC” sign on social media and wrote: “I worry about posting the wrong thing and offending someone. To post #blackouttuesday or not. To attend a mostly white protest in support of racial justice or not. But then I thought, if I do nothing else but show my daughter that we don’t sit idly by when we see our fellow humankind hurting, that’s enough.”

But let’s be honest. That’s not enough.

It’s time for the tough conversations and self-reflection.

It’s time for the tough conversations and self-reflection. My kids are my opportunity to do better.

I think about reaching out to my friend, Tanika White Davis, a Black mom who has twin boys a year older than mine and an 8-year old daughter, but then I see she has posted her newest Sun parenting column, “No Sage Words for This Moment in History.”

“It is all just too much,” she writes. “And I am exhausted from feeling all of it, all at once.” How do I put my burden on her after reading this? “I know I should have more to say,” her column continues. “But I am no sage. I am just a mother of three Black children, trying to protect them. You’ll forgive me then if I spend what’s left of my energy doing just that.”

I want to say to her: “Help me help you.” But that just feels like extra work for her. (Though she later scolds me: “You know you can always reach out to me.”)

Instead, I reach out to Traci Wright, dean of students at The Park School of Baltimore in Brooklandville. We talk about race and privilege and kids. Wright leads the school’s formative Civil Rights trip, now in its 16th year, that takes students and faculty from Park, Baltimore City College High School, and City Neighbors High School on a tour of the South. From Atlanta to Birmingham to Montgomery to Little Rock to Selma, they visit sites and meet people who were instrumental during the 1960s movement for racial equality.

“They learn the importance of speaking up and being involved,” says Wright. One of the local stops is the Hampton National Historic Site in Towson, a vast 18th-century estate that still has its original stone slave quarters, which she suggests I visit with my kids for a guided tour. “They do a phenomenal job of helping kids understand the system of slavery,” says Wright. “No one is born a slave.”

Wright is full of wisdom and suggestions and kindness toward my jumble of questions. She forwards me a piece on NPR’s the Hidden Brain about how it’s more important to change the way that a community thinks about race and racial bias than it is to focus on one individual person. She tells me to read “75 Things White People Can Do for Racial Justice” on Medium and says she even learned things from that article that she, as a Black woman, should be doing.

I tell her about the “inclusive parents versus anti-racist parents” post from Curious Parenting, a caregiver online community, that I keep seeing shared by friends. In one example, an inclusive parent makes sure their child’s library is racially diverse. An anti-racist parent intentionally includes books that go beyond slavery and the civil rights movement to include reads on ballerina Misty Copeland or NASA mathematician Katherine Johnson or poet Maya Angelou. I realize that I fall into the former category.

Wright emphasizes that it’s important for students—hers at Park and mine at their Baltimore County public schools—to feel empowered. “It’s up to the adults to create a culturally relevant curriculum,” she says. And what is culturally relevant? Well, if you live in Baltimore, says Wright, “just open your eyes” and look around. That includes teaching about both current events and history in a real and truthful way.

In addition to Wright, I speak with Mark Riding, a high-school English teacher at the all-girls Maryvale Preparatory School in Lutherville, where he is the only Black faculty member.

“I’m not an expert, but I am a passionate educator,” he tells me. There have been only a handful of Black teachers in the school’s 70-year history. “The students are overwhelmingly white,” says Riding, the father of two teenagers. “I’ve done a lot of thinking, even more since the upheaval happened: How can I bring a fresh perspective to a community that is sorely lacking that [Black] perspective?” Despite some pushback over the years, Riding has always made it a priority to amplify the histories and lessons of the marginalized, from feminism to the Black voice.

This spring, he saved for last the Harlem Renaissance—the artistic explosion of Black culture in New York in the 1920s—and ended up having to teach it virtually. But he and his students still got in deep about why there needed to be a renaissance in the first place. And they also talked about the intersection of race and gender. “No matter what racial or ethnic background, you are marginalized for being a woman,” Riding told them.

Where do I go from here? I don’t write this to feel better about myself.

The final assignment was to write a poem exploring their own differences. Riding was surprised and impressed to see topics ranging from religion to sexuality to racial disparities. “Everyone has knots in their ropes,” he says. But recognizing that helps you “understand other people’s knots.” That’s a difficult concept even for adults, he says.

Riding told me, “I wanted to expose these girls to the dark, scary, disgusting history” of the Black struggle. But also, what came out of the struggle: music, poetry, stories, and the civil rights movement.

Wright says she’s been energized to see “the far corners of the state” reacting to this moment, as well. There are BLM marches in Harford County and on the Eastern Shore.

“People are seeing these issues as their own,” she says. “They’re becoming everyone’s issues. When people are marginalized, we are all marginalized.” Kids see that—sometimes more than parents—and are responding.

I tell Wright I have great expectations for my kids, as Jews, a group that has faced its own marginalization and decimation. Our house is filled with books about the Holocaust, we’ve visited the Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington, D.C., we’ve listened to survivor stories, and we feel it deeply and personally when a synagogue is under attack or a group of white supremacists are called “very fine people.”

Wright understands the connection I’m trying to make. “You have experienced other-ing and genocide,” she says. “The Holocaust happened not even on our soil.” But there is an outrage surrounding violence against Jews that isn’t always extended to Blacks, she notes. Wright recommends finding books on coalitions between Blacks and Jews to make this even more relatable to my children. “What is the history here in terms of people coming together?” she poses. “Baltimore is a segregated city. We live in our own pockets. We don’t really socialize. How can we bring people together?”

I’ve been thinking about that a lot. It came up in a conversation on Father’s Day. We (me, my husband, my own mom and dad) were sitting around the table discussing the BLM movement. My mother is 71 years old and, still, this movement has awakened her in new ways. As a first step of what she hopes will be many more steps, she just became a member of the National Museum of African American History and Culture. “Wouldn’t you want every person to walk through Jewish museums to better understand our plight and resilience and culture?” I say to my mom. “I would guess the same is true for that museum.” We’ll go together as soon as we can, I tell her.

Prior to this moment, and this movement, I’m not sure we would have had this conversation. And that’s what I have witnessed more and more—the conversations. “Can this happen in schools?” I ask Wright. “Public schools are more racially and socio-economically diverse,” she says. (And while that might not be true for our elementary school, it certainly is at Dumbarton Middle School, which my oldest attends.) “Public school is real life,” she says.

It’s the place where you are together with people who look different from you. It should be the best place for listening and sharing and growing.

Wright acknowledges that the conversations about institutional racism are not easy for anyone to begin. But it’s our jobs as parents to foster relationships, she says, whether it’s making sure we are on sports teams that are diverse or forming a book or movie club with families that create a safe space for honest questions and discussions.

“Initially, it will likely feel forced,” says Wright. “But we have to work harder to combat the systems of oppression. It’s okay if it makes you feel nervous or uncomfortable because the more we talk about it, the more it becomes second nature. It’s retraining our brains to see what we’ve been missing all along.”

In the days that follow, I spend a long time scrolling through posts on the Anti-Racist/Social Justice Parenting Discussion Group on Facebook that I joined during the heat of the protests. There are virtual events (the Reginald F. Lewis Museum’s African American Children’s Book Fair), town halls (“How to Raise and Teach Anti-Racist Kids,” hosted by author Kwame Alexander), and fundraising ideas. I can’t do it all, but I can start somewhere. I sign up for Zoom calls about raising socially conscious children, and I order Jason Reynolds’s and Ibram X. Kendi’s Stamped: Racism, Antiracisim and You and Veronica Chambers’s Resist: 35 Profiles of Ordinary People Who Rose Up Against Tyranny and Injustice.

Where do I go from here? I do not write this to feel better about myself, or to say that Googling or reading or even protesting makes me a social-justice warrior mom. But I do understand that there is a time to talk and a time to listen. A time to teach and a time to be taught. My kids are watching me and all my actions. We, as a family, need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. We need to hold ourselves accountable.

I promise that we will.

Sometime in between Thanksgiving and the first week of December is when that first wave of gift-giving panic typically hits. What do you do when you’re determined to find the most thoughtful, personalized presents for your loved ones, but want to do it without breaking the bank?

Luckily, the Charm City craft scene has your back with a plethora of pop-up markets happening throughout the holiday season. Mark your calendar for these local bazaars, which feature tons of regionally made gifts that will make you the talk of this year’s celebration.

11/17: Baltimore Vintage Expo
Swing by this Best of Baltimore-winning market for rare and retro finds. Equipped with its original art deco architecture and design, the renovated Ideal Arts Space in Hampden is a fitting venue for the showcase. This time around, organizers are offering early-bird tickets for shoppers hoping to get a first look at all of the vintage clothing, accessories, furniture, and decor. 905 W. 36th St. Free-$12. 443-529-5937. 11 a.m.- 6 p.m.

11/22-12/24: Christmas Village in Baltimore
Modeled after traditional German Christmas markets that date back to the Middle Ages, this Inner Harbor fête is not one to be missed. Enjoy the vast display of handmade ornaments and nutcrackers while sipping hot chocolate and sampling fresh-baked apple strudel. The Christmas Village is hosting a special preview weekend November 17-18 this year for locals looking to get a jumpstart on their shopping. West Shore Park. 501 Light St. Free.

11/23: Shop Black @ Open Works, a Black Friday Pop-Up Shop
Forget waiting in line at Best Buy. If you’re hoping to score killer gifts while strengthening our local economy, look no further. This Black Friday, support local makers of color and check out the second annual Shop Black Pop-Up, hosted by Open Works. 1400 Greenmount Ave. Free. 410-862-0424. 9 a.m.-4 p.m.

11/23-24: BAZAART Holiday Art Market
Make the most of Black Friday and #SmallBusinessSaturday by checking out the American Visionary Art Museum’s annual holiday art market. Regional artists, makers, and craftspeople will come together to transform the museum’s Jim Rouse Visionary Center into a mecca of creative gift giving. 800 Key Highway. Free. 410-244-1900. Times vary

11/24: Small Business Saturday Pop-Up Party at Get Shredded Vintage
Celebrate Small Business Saturday in style at this all day pop-up party hosted by Get Shredded Vintage in Charles Village. There will be snacks and drinks galore, tarot card readings, unique clothing and accessories from local designers, and even a DJ spinning from 4-7 p.m. There’s no better way to work off a lingering, Thanksgiving-dinner food baby than by dancing from rack to rack and shopping along the way. 3101 St. Paul St. 443-717-1826. 11 a.m.-7 p.m.

11/29: Holiday Artisan Market
Now in its 14th year, this holiday tradition hosted by The Park School features locally produced paintings, photography, jewelry, ceramics, furniture, and sculpture work, as well as homemade pantry products like honey and granola. There will even be a caricature artist on-site to keep the kiddos busy while you browse all of the handmade wares. Park School of Baltimore, Davidson Lobby, 2425 Old Court Rd. 410-339-7070. 3:30-6:30 p.m.

12/1-2 & 12/8-9: Star Bright Farm’s Barn Market
Infuse your gift giving with authentic Chesapeake charm by shopping Star Bright Farm’s two-weekend holiday market. Natural home, kitchen, and body products available for purchase are made from the very crops grown on the farm. Other local artisans join in for the fun, and cookbook author Nancy Baggett will be leading three sessions on cooking with lavender for those looking to impress their families with something new this holiday season. Star Bright Farm, 2950 Garrett Rd, White Hall. Free. 10 a.m.-4 p.m. each day

12/6–12/9: MICA Art Market
More than 250 MICA students are preparing their pieces for this yearly sale, which invites shoppers to discover work by emerging and established artists alike. Wander around the showcase to browse jewelry, illustrations, prints, posters, mosaics, stationary, clothing, toys, wrapping paper, and more while chatting with each of the artists about their designs. 1300 W. Mt Royal Ave. 410-669-9200

12/8: Holiday Makers Market 2018
Green Spring Station is a shopping destination in its own right, but for one Saturday only, the retail haven will take things up a notch and give us even more to love. More than 20 local vendors will be showcasing their goods at the marketplace, including our faves Wight Tea Company and Knits, Soy & Metal. Don’t miss DIY workshops from the likes of organic skincare pros Deep Leaf Organics. 10751 Falls Road, Lutherville. 10 a.m.- 4 p.m.

12/8: Makers Alley
Coffee from Park and Perk will be on hand to banish the sleep from your eyes as you check out the unique gifts available at this Saturday-morning market, which is returning to Local Color Flowers for its sixth year. Look out for one-of-a-kind gifts like floral salt-and-pepper blends by Juniper Culinary Apothecary, original designs from Pangea Printing Co., and more. 3100 Brentwood Ave. 410-262-1494. 9 a.m.-12 p.m.

12/8: Towson Town Center Local Makers Event
The Towson Town Center becomes a one-stop-shop on December 8, when local artists and makers flock to the Level 3 Center Rotunda to set up shop. The pop-up event makes it easy to find the perfect gifts under one roof for everyone on your list, from techy teens to funky aunts. 825 Dulaney Valley Road, Towson. 410-494-8800. 10 a.m.-4 p.m.

12/11: Women’s Unity Artisan Market
As the holidays draw closer, “spare time” on the weekends to search for gifts can be hard to come by. The answer for anyone looking for unique gifts and running short on time? This second-annual market held in Mary Gardella’s Clipper Mill photography studio on a Tuesday evening. Gather together to browse creations from local female artisans, and sample signature beverages from Lyon Distilling Company and Le Monade. 3500 Parkdale Ave., Ste. 5. Free. 5-9 p.m.

12/14:Under $500 Sixth Annual Affordable Art Sale
Collectors of all kinds will unite at Maryland Art Place for this aptly named holiday exhibit that offers affordable artworks priced at $500 or less. Mingle with other enthusiasts over beer, wine, and light bites while perusing all of the pieces for sale on a first-come, first-served basis. 218 W. Saratoga St. 410-962-8565. $25. 7-10 p.m.

12/15: Holiday Heap
Charm City Craft Mafia is back at it with a stellar lineup for its recurring holiday hangout. Beneath the strung lights at St. John’s Church, browse goods from the likes of veteran vendors like Annie Howe Papercuts and The Broken Plate, as well as newbies Genevieve Williamson Jewelry, Dorpare Tea, La Loupe Design, Vesta’s Natural Apothecary, and Yinibini Baby. Coffee and treats from Bird in Hand will be available with early-bird admission, which also includes a swag bag full of goodies from participating makers. 2640 St. Paul St. Free-$25. 9 a.m.-5 p.m.

12/16: For the Greater Goods Market
Grab some lunch at R. House to fuel up for what’s sure to be an epic day of holiday shopping. Every month, this market takes over the garage of the Remington food hall to showcase local vendors and raise money for a charitable cause. December’s market boasts more than 70 local vendors, selling everything from handmade ceramics and home goods to unique clothing and jewelry. 301 W. 29th St. Free. 11 a.m.-4 p.m.