This just in: Last night’s Oscars will not be winning an Emmy. It started out strong, with Conan O’Brien’s killer monologue, but was dogged by glitchy mics, shaky camera work, awkward close-ups, and one extremely unfortunate play-off that had the crowd at Dolby Theater in near revolt.
Anyway, One Battle After Another was the night’s big winner taking home Best Picture and Best Director for Paul Thomas Anderson (finally!) among other accolades, but Sinners held its own, with a huge win for star Michael B. Jordan, writer-director Ryan Coogler (Best Original Screenplay), and cinematographer Autumn Durald Arkapaw.
Let’s roll up our sleeves and get into the real winners and losers of the show.
WINNER: GENRE FILMS
My gob was fully smacked when Conan launched the show with a parody of Weapons, the mid-budget horror film directed by Zach Cregger. Dressed like the Baby Jane-esque witch Aunt Gladys (Amy Madigan), Conan ran through various film sets, chased by a mob of children.
Weapons is brilliant, but there was a time that a film like that would just not be considered Oscar material, darling. (Picture that said with your nose turned fully up.) And it continued from there. Amy Madigan won Best Supporting Actress for Weapons and then Sinners, a social commentary about the vampiric nature of the white music industry masquerading as an actual vampire film, was another one of the big winners of the night.
It seems the Oscars have finally figured out what the rest of us have known for years, that there’s another name for a good genre film: a good film.
LOSER: NETFLIX
One of Conan’s most trenchant jokes was aimed at the streaming service. “Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos is here and it’s his first time in a theater.”
WINNER: LEO’S MUSTACHE
Leonardo DiCaprio seems to be in his Clark Gable era (see photo above) and I’m here for it!
LOSER: PEDRO PASCAL’S MUSTACHE
Did he…loan it to Leo?
WINNER: KIERAN CULKIN
Last year’s Best Supporting Actor winner had one of the quips of the night when announcing Sean Penn’s win for One Battle After Another: “Sean Penn couldn’t be here this evening or didn’t want to.” He said the quiet part aloud and it was both hilarious and refreshing.
LOSER: SEAN PENN
Can you be a loser if you actually won an Oscar? Maybe, if you’re Sean Penn. Dude, you gotta show up. Fellow nominee Delroy Lindo looked pissed. (Imagine living your life knowing that Delroy Lindo is mad at you.)
LOSER: MY TEAR DUCTS
Look, we all knew the In Memoriam segment was going to be brutal this year. We lost some absolute giants of cinema and many of us are still reeling from the particularly tragic death of Rob and Michele Reiner. The tributes were beautifully and tastefully done.
First, Billy Crystal came out to honor his late friend Reiner—noting the near historic run the director went on in the ’80s: This is Spinal Tap, Stand By Me, The Princess Bride, When Harry Met Sally…, Misery. Then the curtain opened to reveal an all-star line-up of Reiner’s actors including Christopher Guest, Kathy Bates, Mandy Patinkin, Cary Elwes, Demi Moore, and Meg Ryan, all standing in solemn silence.
Next, holding back tears, the ever charming Rachel McAdams came out and gave a tribute to Diane Keaton, acknowledging that virtually every young actress in Hollywood idolized her. (I wonder if, in a different timeline, Woody Allen himself would have come out to pay tribute to his Annie Hall…but I digress.)
Then, the images of more lost luminaries flashed on the screen until they paused on Robert Redford.
“Oh my God, it’s going to Barbra Streisand,” I said out loud.
And indeed it was—a rare appearance from the semi-reclusive icon. She spoke lovingly about her friend and co-star (he was the only one who could get away with calling her “Babs,” she said) and then—be still my heart—she belted out a few bars of “Memories,” the theme song from The Way We Were. Reader, I haven’t cried this much since the last time I watched The Way We Were.
LOSER: THE (OUT OF) CONTROL ROOM
It started out ominously when Conan made a joke about meme king DiCaprio and the camera gave a fumbling, blurry pan to the…carpet?—before finally settling on the star.
At another point, at the tail end of one of two acceptance speeches for Best Documentary Short (it was a tie!), the camera inexplicably panned to Conan waiting in the wings. He looked baffled and slightly annoyed (a theme that will re-emerge) until the camera panned back to the acceptance speech.
When Streisand came out to do her Redford tribute her microphone was dangerously low. I figured they would raise her levels or cut the music, but alas, neither occurred. Still, it was Babs, so everyone craned their necks and listened. Microphone glitches also nearly ruined the Bridesmaids tribute—there was all this ambient noise, like someone in the crowd was mic’d up and trying to get in on the act.
Toward the end of the broadcast, after coming back from a commercial, Conan said, sotte voce, “We’re almost there…we’re almost there.” It wasn’t clear if he knew he was on the air. “Are we on?” he said finally, adding: “You never know.” (Oh, he’s big mad.)
But the biggest miscue of the night occurred when the team behind mega hit “Golden,” from KPop Demon Hunters got cut off mid acceptance speech. Co-songwriter Yu Han Lee had just made his way to the mic when the music played him off. He looked confused and dismayed, and attempted to speak anyway, but the mic remained off and the music only got louder. As they cut to commercial, you could hear loud boos emanating from the Dolby crowd.
LOSER: THAT BRIDESMAIDS TRIBUTE
Look, I love Bridesmaids. You love Bridesmaids. But was its 15-year anniversary really worth an extended tribute? I mean, I get it. They knew that Rose Byrne (nominated for her stunning turn in If I Had Legs I’d Kick You) and Maya Rudolph (married to man-of-the-hour Paul Thomas Anderson) would already be there, so why not just assemble the rest of the Scooby gang? But the mic glitches and embarrassing play off of the “Golden” winners only amplified the sense that it was something of a waste of time.
WINNER: “I LIED TO YOU,” SINNERS
An all-star lineup, including Miles Caton, Shaboozey, Britanny Howard, Buddy Guy, and dancer Misty Copeland, came out and did a rollicking rendition of the nominated song, referencing that magical scene in the film that showcased the ghosts of Black music past and present. Many folks on Bluesky said Sinners should—and likely will—become a Broadway musical at some point. If this was a preview, I am sat.
LOSER: BALLET AND OPERA JOKES
I think we have officially reached the point where everyone is annoyed by the pile-on that occurred after Timothée Chalamet’s ill-conceived dismissal of opera and ballet. Yes, it was a dumb thing to say, but was it worth two solid weeks of tongue lashing? The references to the star’s gaffe fell flat—there were groans, not laughs. And it was clear that most people were ready make like Elsa and let it go.
WINNER/LOSER: WOMEN
Yes, Autumn Durald Arkapaw was the first woman, not to mention the first POC woman, to win Best Cinematography. Huzzah! So well deserved. But also, this was the 98th Oscars, how on earth was she the first woman to win Best Cinematography? Classic female paradox.
LOSER: COOL GUYS
The too-cool-for-school likes of Robert Downey Jr., Will Arnett, and Lewis Pullman all seemed to be embarrassed to be doing their corny Oscar bits. Yes, the jokes were lame, but one way to assure mutual destruction for both you and the joke? Acting like you’re above it all.
WINNER: MARRIAGE
The look that actor Ed Harris gave his wife Amy Madigan—a mixture of pride, love, and “What did I tell you?”—has already gone viral as #CoupleGoals. And some people were just finding out that actress/comedian Maya Rudolph is married to director Paul Thomas Anderson. Talk about a power couple.
WINNER: MICHAEL B. JORDAN
From The Wire to Friday Night Lights, we’ve all seen Michael B. Jordan grow up before our very eyes. Collectively, we felt like part of his success and, dare I say, his journey (sorry)—and he acknowledged it. “Thank you to everybody in this room and everybody at home for supporting me over my career. I feel it. I know you guys want me to do well and I want to do that because you guys bet on me.” Sniff.
WINNER(ISH): CONAN O’BRIEN
He was more plagued by the technical glitches than anyone and it began to visibly wear on him by the end, but he once again proved himself a nimble and very funny host.
My favorite bit of the night involved him and Sterling K. Brown doing an overly ’splainy version of Casablanca for the “second screen” set, as apparently mandated by Netflix. (See also: Loser, Netflix.)
“Of all the gin joints in the world, she walked into mine,” he said. “She being Ilsa,” Sterling said, all while playing a mean piano.
A few other favorite jokes: “FI did so well they’re making a sequel: Caps Lock.” (Hey, nerds need jokes, too!) “Welcome back to Has a Small Penis Theater….let’s see him put his name in front of that.” (No comment.)
WINNER: MY BALLOT
Booyah!